Ok, first off, let me clarify something. This was not a memory I wanted. I didn’t intentionally add this to my Memory List. This memory sucks. But as of today, it’s a memory that I have. I consider it a shitty, bonus memory.
Last year, writing on this blog was cathartic for me. I used the list of desired memories as my North Star, to keep me trudging through my seemingly unbearable sadness. Lately, my posts have been more of a diary of fun things that I managed to accomplish. Heck! I even told my mom that they felt a bit shallow.
Well, the universe has thrown me back into the deep end of my feelings. I had forgotten how hard it is to tread water and stay afloat.
Earlier this year, I took the plunge and started dating. Well, I suppose to stick with the analogy, I waded slowly into the shallow end. Actually, I’d say I was just planning to dip my toes in the water, just to test things out.
I was skeptical. And I was cynical. I loved (and still love) my ex-wife. If I couldn’t make my marriage to her work, I didn’t have much hope at all that there would be someone else out there for me.
All that to say, I entered the dating pool with very low expectations.
As is the case with low expectations, it doesn’t take much to have them exceeded. But, never in my wildest dreams did I expect to have them blow me out of the water. (Wow! I’m really going all-in on this water metaphor, huh?)
I fell in love. I think it surprised me more than anyone. The chemistry we had couldn’t be ignored, even though I tried hard to do so. I had just gotten onto the scene, and so had she. It didn’t make sense that we’d fall for each other so quickly. But we did.
It’s very possible she’s reading this post. And if she is, I want to thank her for a few things:
- Thank you for the memories these past few months, because it seems you touched every aspect of my routine in some way.
- Thank you for sharing my excitement about nature.
- Thank you for rooting for the Blue Jays, even though they’re not your team.
- Thank you for your help in training Toby.
- Thank you for introducing me to the singer/songwriter, Brett Dennen. He’s incredible!
- Thank you for sharing your love of hockey, which I didn’t think could be more passionate than mine, but it is.
- Thank you for your poetry, which is absolutely beautiful, and I hope you share it with the rest of the world. And share your songs, too. The world would be a more beautiful place with your voice singing melodies.
- But most of all, thank you for restoring my faith that love exists and that falling in love is an experience I’ll be able to have again.
As I write this, my heart is broken. Sometimes, things don’t work out. And that’s ok. I’ll be ok. I know sadness, I know grief, I know loss. I’ve been down this road before, and I know the steps I need to take to walk its path. Luckily, I have an incredible Grief Recovery therapist, who’s been with me since forever, and some really incredible friends walking beside me this time.
As Glennon Doyle wrote in Untamed, “We can do hard things.” I can do hard things. And healing my heart is one of them.